Appraisal letter : with encryption.....

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

Hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

Wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

Thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

Finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

Measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
Breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

Vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

Knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

Classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

Dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

Promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

Sent away as soon as possible.

(Signed) -

Project Leader.
----

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report, sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.

Before and after marriage

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards!!!!

Small jokes, fwd by Anumod..

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints"
But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker ' s T Shirt:
"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3.) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And
the other loves too many,

4.) Employee:Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!BOSS:Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5.) Philosophy of life

At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD, Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6.) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7.) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wiseman cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper:Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl:That ' s good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! " Applicant: What is it?Interviewer:Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
"Drive Slowly, Don ' t kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us"

Forwarded by Manoj..

1. While selling vacuum cleaner....
New vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.
**********
MORAL: Gather All resources b4 working on any project...!!

2.Arrested for laughing!
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................
She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!

Bill Gates & God

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

Tale from the Panchatantra, New Version

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the tableand fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only afterone month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty.She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer?"

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked ifthat was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty.

She was about to give him all three items,but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you knowthat you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing upmy own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied,

"I know that, youstupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!".

So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

* * * * * * * * *

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better keepyour mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Political Jokes from Bhattathiri...

One
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
'I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything.'

Two
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you.
It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

Three
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'
The barman says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'
Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'
And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman? '
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

Four
Pakistani on the moon:
Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem....
Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

Five
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' - says the man.
Oh, what are you then?'
The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'
The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog'

Husband, wife and other jokes

Third Child
The bride said she wanted three children,
while the younghusband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he‘d put an end to things by saying boldly,After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted,
Well, Ihope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own...

100 kisses
A letter has been sent from a husband:
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart,
your husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses,
I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.
Your Sweet Heart .

Punctuation is Powerful
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All the boys in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the girls in the class wrote:
"A woman : without her, man is nothing."

Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

Some Doctor/Patient Jokes..

Violin
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

First Child
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"

24 Hours
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

To 'see' a Doctor
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains,
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
And the man replies, "No, just spots”

Jokes on (better/worse than) hell..

Hell is a not a bad place!!

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"

The man answers, "Yes, I do" "Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"

The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."

The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks.""You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?" "Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot." "Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."

The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays." "Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?" "Hell no," the man replies, "I hate faggs!" The devil look at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told," First they put you in an electric chair foran hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. Hechecks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Germanhell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a longline of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devilcomes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chairdoes not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a Software Engineer, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the Cafeteria!!! !! !