Life after death..

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"
EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Friend's funeral, he came here looking for you."

Two jokes..

The world's shortest fairy tale...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"....
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, racing, played football and drank lots of beer.
The end.

Courage..

The poor young fellow entered the dentist's office trembling with fright. By the time he sat down in the dentist's chair, his face was white and his eyes dilated with horror.
The sympathetic dentist offered the man a drink of whisky, which he gratefully accepted. Then he asked for and gulped down a second shot.
"Got your courage back now?" asked the dentist.
"I sure have!" The patient retorted.
"And I would just like to see anybody touch my teeth now!"

Three jokes...

Socrates, on marriage..
Socrates, whose wife was shrewish, was once asked by a youth whether he advised marriage. Socrates answered, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will be very happy; if you don't, you'll become a great philosopher."

UN Survey

Long ago UNO conducted a survey and the questions were:

"What is your opinion about food shortage in the rest of the world."

Unfortunately the survey went as big failure. The UN team evaluated the reasons for the failure.And they found the following reasons:

1. 'Food' was an unknown word to the Africans

2. In Eastern Europe no one heard the word 'opinion'

3. Western Europeans have no idea about 'shortage' and

4. In the USA everybody asked: "What you mean by 'rest of the world'?"

About two minutes ago..
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Friendship..

Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friends's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

This is the top joke for those in Australia

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The top joke in the UK

The funniest joke as rated by the people of UK in Laugh Lab

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

World's funniest joke - 2nd

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

by Geoff Anandappa

World's funniest joke - 1st

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

by Gurpal Gosall

"Worlds Funniest jokes"

It was Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire who conducted an experiment in 2002, named Laugh Lab creating a website where people could submit and rate over 10,000 jokes. The results of the research are summarized as “The world's funniest joke”. Purposes of the research was to discover the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries. The top rated jokes are the following posts.

Pls read and leave a comment how did you feel the jokes.

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts... (no pun intented)

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........
"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral of the story: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Story with a moral…………

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start." The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email”."I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:-

#1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

#2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

#3 -If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire. .........

Comparison

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

In defence of Sardarji (sent by Anand)

This is a mail that I got the other day. Thought I should share this, for we Malayalis are too sceptical and cynical to acknowledge greatness of anyone else. We continue to laugh at the Sardarji, as if we are blemishless. Hope this mail is food for enough thought.

"Hello friends!! Well, jayant , my friend, told me the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on mythinking.In the diwali vacation, Jayant and his couple of friends had gone toDelhi.

They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar,and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes,just to insinuate the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. TheSardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them one rupeeextra and said, (in Hindi, of course),

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened tothem all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste.Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet tosee the world. But I have just one request. Here I am giving you onerupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across inthis city."

Jayant continued," That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't finda single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi."

Friends, we all love sardar jokes. But the fact of matter is that Sikhsare one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world.The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is theirwillingness to do any job with utmost dedication. A Sardar will drive atruck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, but he will never beg onthe streets.

Do you know me?

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.'
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: 'If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

What's Politics?

A kid went his dad and asked; "Dad, what's politics?"

"Well son",

replied the dad, "I shall try to put it like this. I am the bread winner of our family. So call me capitalism. Your mom is doing the administration with what I earn and, so call her the government. We are doing it for your betterment, so think you as the people. We have our servant-made to assist us and let's call her the working class. Your little brother is here and let's call him the future. Now think on it and make a sense yourself."

The dad and the boy went to bed. While sleeping the boy heard the loud cry of his brother. He rose from the bed and went to look him. In the parents bed room he saw his brother in a mess of dirt and the mom in sound sleep. The boy tried to wake her up but of no use. He then went to call the servant-maid but her door was closed with light inside. He looked through the key-hole and found his dad in bed with her. He returned hopelessly back to his bed.

Next day morning the boy went to his dad and said.

"Dad, I think I got some idea about what politics is."

"Good my boy.." said the dad,

"Come on tell me."

The boy replied:

"While capitalism is screwing the working class, the Government is fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

In fact, not a "joke".....

In a small town in America , a person decided to open up his Bar, which was right opposite to a Church. The Church and its Congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening, with petitions, and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed.

However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong bolt of lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The Church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the Church, through its congregation & prayers, was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the Church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were the reasons for the bar's demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that intercessionary prayer had no impact!!!

As the case made its way into court, the Judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes in the power of Prayer and we have an entire Church and its devotees that doesn't.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!