The HR Processes!!!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
*Yesterday we were recruiting you! Today you are an employee!*

Appraisal letter : with encryption.....

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

Hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

Wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

Thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

Finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

Measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
Breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

Vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

Knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

Classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

Dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

Promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

Sent away as soon as possible.

(Signed) -

Project Leader.
----

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report, sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.

Before and after marriage

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards!!!!

Small jokes, fwd by Anumod..

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints"
But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker ' s T Shirt:
"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3.) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And
the other loves too many,

4.) Employee:Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!BOSS:Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5.) Philosophy of life

At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD, Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6.) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7.) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wiseman cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper:Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl:That ' s good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! " Applicant: What is it?Interviewer:Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
"Drive Slowly, Don ' t kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us"

Forwarded by Manoj..

1. While selling vacuum cleaner....
New vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.
**********
MORAL: Gather All resources b4 working on any project...!!

2.Arrested for laughing!
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................
She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!

Bill Gates & God

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

Tale from the Panchatantra, New Version

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the tableand fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only afterone month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty.She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer?"

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked ifthat was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty.

She was about to give him all three items,but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you knowthat you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing upmy own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied,

"I know that, youstupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!".

So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

* * * * * * * * *

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better keepyour mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Political Jokes from Bhattathiri...

One
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
'I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything.'

Two
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you.
It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

Three
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'
The barman says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'
Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'
And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman? '
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

Four
Pakistani on the moon:
Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem....
Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

Five
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' - says the man.
Oh, what are you then?'
The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'
The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog'

Husband, wife and other jokes

Third Child
The bride said she wanted three children,
while the younghusband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he‘d put an end to things by saying boldly,After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted,
Well, Ihope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own...

100 kisses
A letter has been sent from a husband:
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart,
your husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses,
I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.
Your Sweet Heart .

Punctuation is Powerful
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All the boys in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the girls in the class wrote:
"A woman : without her, man is nothing."

Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

Some Doctor/Patient Jokes..

Violin
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

First Child
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"

24 Hours
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

To 'see' a Doctor
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains,
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
And the man replies, "No, just spots”

Jokes on (better/worse than) hell..

Hell is a not a bad place!!

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"

The man answers, "Yes, I do" "Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"

The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."

The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks.""You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?" "Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot." "Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."

The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays." "Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?" "Hell no," the man replies, "I hate faggs!" The devil look at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told," First they put you in an electric chair foran hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. Hechecks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Germanhell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a longline of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devilcomes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chairdoes not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a Software Engineer, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the Cafeteria!!! !! !

Life after death..

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"
EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Friend's funeral, he came here looking for you."

Two jokes..

The world's shortest fairy tale...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"....
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, racing, played football and drank lots of beer.
The end.

Courage..

The poor young fellow entered the dentist's office trembling with fright. By the time he sat down in the dentist's chair, his face was white and his eyes dilated with horror.
The sympathetic dentist offered the man a drink of whisky, which he gratefully accepted. Then he asked for and gulped down a second shot.
"Got your courage back now?" asked the dentist.
"I sure have!" The patient retorted.
"And I would just like to see anybody touch my teeth now!"

Three jokes...

Socrates, on marriage..
Socrates, whose wife was shrewish, was once asked by a youth whether he advised marriage. Socrates answered, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will be very happy; if you don't, you'll become a great philosopher."

UN Survey

Long ago UNO conducted a survey and the questions were:

"What is your opinion about food shortage in the rest of the world."

Unfortunately the survey went as big failure. The UN team evaluated the reasons for the failure.And they found the following reasons:

1. 'Food' was an unknown word to the Africans

2. In Eastern Europe no one heard the word 'opinion'

3. Western Europeans have no idea about 'shortage' and

4. In the USA everybody asked: "What you mean by 'rest of the world'?"

About two minutes ago..
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Friendship..

Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friends's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

This is the top joke for those in Australia

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The top joke in the UK

The funniest joke as rated by the people of UK in Laugh Lab

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

World's funniest joke - 2nd

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

by Geoff Anandappa

World's funniest joke - 1st

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

by Gurpal Gosall

"Worlds Funniest jokes"

It was Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire who conducted an experiment in 2002, named Laugh Lab creating a website where people could submit and rate over 10,000 jokes. The results of the research are summarized as “The world's funniest joke”. Purposes of the research was to discover the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries. The top rated jokes are the following posts.

Pls read and leave a comment how did you feel the jokes.

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts... (no pun intented)

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........
"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral of the story: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Story with a moral…………

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start." The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email”."I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:-

#1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

#2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

#3 -If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire. .........

Comparison

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

In defence of Sardarji (sent by Anand)

This is a mail that I got the other day. Thought I should share this, for we Malayalis are too sceptical and cynical to acknowledge greatness of anyone else. We continue to laugh at the Sardarji, as if we are blemishless. Hope this mail is food for enough thought.

"Hello friends!! Well, jayant , my friend, told me the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on mythinking.In the diwali vacation, Jayant and his couple of friends had gone toDelhi.

They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar,and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes,just to insinuate the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. TheSardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them one rupeeextra and said, (in Hindi, of course),

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened tothem all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste.Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet tosee the world. But I have just one request. Here I am giving you onerupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across inthis city."

Jayant continued," That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't finda single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi."

Friends, we all love sardar jokes. But the fact of matter is that Sikhsare one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world.The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is theirwillingness to do any job with utmost dedication. A Sardar will drive atruck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, but he will never beg onthe streets.

Do you know me?

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.'
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: 'If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

What's Politics?

A kid went his dad and asked; "Dad, what's politics?"

"Well son",

replied the dad, "I shall try to put it like this. I am the bread winner of our family. So call me capitalism. Your mom is doing the administration with what I earn and, so call her the government. We are doing it for your betterment, so think you as the people. We have our servant-made to assist us and let's call her the working class. Your little brother is here and let's call him the future. Now think on it and make a sense yourself."

The dad and the boy went to bed. While sleeping the boy heard the loud cry of his brother. He rose from the bed and went to look him. In the parents bed room he saw his brother in a mess of dirt and the mom in sound sleep. The boy tried to wake her up but of no use. He then went to call the servant-maid but her door was closed with light inside. He looked through the key-hole and found his dad in bed with her. He returned hopelessly back to his bed.

Next day morning the boy went to his dad and said.

"Dad, I think I got some idea about what politics is."

"Good my boy.." said the dad,

"Come on tell me."

The boy replied:

"While capitalism is screwing the working class, the Government is fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

In fact, not a "joke".....

In a small town in America , a person decided to open up his Bar, which was right opposite to a Church. The Church and its Congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening, with petitions, and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed.

However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong bolt of lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The Church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the Church, through its congregation & prayers, was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the Church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were the reasons for the bar's demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that intercessionary prayer had no impact!!!

As the case made its way into court, the Judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes in the power of Prayer and we have an entire Church and its devotees that doesn't.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COPY PASTE

At a training program for top management.
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd'sattention,
said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying,
"That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house.
He tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second halfof the joke,
the manager finally blurted out
"... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story:
Don't copy if you can't paste.................

President Bush

Once president BUSH went to a school to interact with students

After have one brief talk with the children he asked them if they have any question to ask him

One boy raised his hand and stood up;

Bush: whats your name?

John: John

Bush: Whats you question?

John: Sir I have three questions

1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO?

2) where is osama?

3) why do America support Pakistan so much ?

Bush: you are an intelligent student john…

(Just then the bell for recess rang)oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over. After the recess,

Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?

Peter raises his hand.

Bush :Whats your name?

Peter : sir I have 5 questions.

1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO?

2) where is osama?

3) why do America support Pakistan so much?

4) why did recess bell rang 20 mins before the scheduled time?

5) where is JOHN?

Peg after peg...

I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening,
wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage?
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky.
Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash
Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keepit in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???